Ineptitude With Isolation

Remember back in early February when most would make sly, condescending remarks about the face masks being worn by people of Asian descent? Or when the perpetual ignorance in America made light of this inevitable pandemic through the continuance of bad habits/the blatant disregard for the precautions outlined by the federal government? Pepperidge Farms remembers, and so do I.

What a time to be fucking alive.

The novel coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, is FUCKING us. The status quo, as we have grown accustomed to all of our life, just took the exit to Shitsville. For those that refuse to accept this grim reality — for those that are truly stubborn, get a grip; this is the way things are now.

Unemployment is skyrocketing, local businesses are getting killed off, and financial hardships are sprouting nationwide. The global death toll has been reaching numbers once thought unimaginable, due in part to the once-prevalent belief that this virus was a “one and done” scenario taking place in Wuhan. To say this is a disaster would be the understatement of the year.

Harrowing calamity is what this is.

What insolent bastards we are, to believe that this would all go away in the blink of an eye. The ludicrous mindset us Americans have adopted, to accept only what is in front of us, and generally not pay any mind to the machinations of the world, is one that has gotten us tied up during these trying times. The principal spearhead of the buffoonery, Cheeto Jesus, was delusional enough to believe that the coronavirus would discriminate against the rest of the world, and stay faithful to its source. The oblivious remarks regarding COVID-19 that stemmed from the mouth of this disgrace of a POTUS now haunt those who chose to absentmindedly accept it as truth. Crisis mode is in full effect.

Hospitals are experiencing unprecedented flows of traffic from potential cases, and with that, a shortage of medical supplies was sure to follow. The lack of essential materials, such as N95 masks and sanitation equipment, has made life in participating medical centers an authentic hell. State governments are authorizing lockdowns and executive orders that make life a far cry from the norm. The National Guard is being mobilized to help with quarantine procedures and distribution of resources such as food and shelter. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

This phenomenon has placed our respective society in a compromised position that doesn’t really see a happy ending, realistically speaking. Having faith is only part of the battle that we find ourselves embroiled in. I’d be lying if I were to say that the situation will better with time immediately. Studies from reputable institutions, such as Imperial College, paint a grim picture: best case scenarios call for thousands of casualties beyond the ones logged as of press time, while worst case scenarios project a casualty figure in the millions. Hopes for a widespread vaccine distribution are being chalked up to taking place AT LEAST 18 months from now, due to the unique nature of this pandemic, as well as standard testing mechanisms that rule out a quick AND cautious response. Because of the way our arrogant nation has failed to prepare for this chaos, the spread of the coronavirus was expedited tenfold. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Think about how much worse off Italy is right now: the splendor of their quarantine, mixed with the staggering casualty rate, has made it so that families don’t have the option of being by their loved ones that are at the mercy of COVID-19. Worse is the fact that these casualties are dying alone, in isolation wards across the country, and nothing can be done about it but just maintain containment protocols in efforts to control this madness. We’re not too far off from that point.

Is there anything to be done about it?

Of course. Don’t be entirely pessimistic, now.

Social distancing procedures, as laid out time and time again on social media and beyond, should be taken VERY seriously. They’re literally blanket statements revolving the urgency to stay home, and it’s not that hard to do so. Do the nation a favor, and stay your asses in the crib. At this point, it’s not like there’s anything to do anyways, so for you to find a reason to leave home other than for food and medical emergencies, must mean you’re dying to link with corona.

Find a new hobby from home. Participate in mindless Tik-Tok dances. Binge-watch every show on every streaming service imaginable. Rewatch the historic Game 7’s of the sports world. Settle with your quaranting and enjoy endless nights of raunchy seclusion. Engage in the ubiquitous nature of social media, as a drought of entertaining content is actually impossible. Boot up the PS4 and run killfeeds on online first-person shooters. Finish up your now-online school courses with flying colors (it’s easy to cheat, so you’ll be fine for finals season). Most importantly, spend time with your fucking families, and batten down the hatches during these dark moments in our lives. It’s going to get ugly, but we’re in this together.

I understand that you extroverts will suffer horrendously during this time away from friends, but get over yourselves, because there is so much more at stake than your Sunday brunches, street drugs, and spring breaks. My heart aches for those of you that won’t get to see your precious acquaintances anytime soon, but guess what? Tough shit. We have a social responsibility that we need to oblige by.

As for those who find themselves on the introverted side of the spectrum, embrace your fellow extrovert who is subjugating him/herself to crippling loneliness. What rookies those guys are. Little do they know that sequestration is lowkey a great way to learn about oneself. Maybe they possess cooking skills they never knew were there, or maybe they’ll chance upon harmonious meditation techniques. Either way, the intros and extros will become one, and the best will have to be made out of it.

Regardless of the debaucheries the millennial class has been stripped off, we have it good. It could be significantly worse: New Jersey didn’t have to deem liquor stores “essential”. Appreciate the fuck out of you for that one, @GovMurphy. Let the rage live on, even at the discomfort of your own home. Discomfort, because while you chug your 5th Refresca, your parents will watch in awe as they come to realize that their offspring is a raging alcoholic. They only refuse to partake in said affairs because they’ve buried those demons a long time ago. Or have they?

The free-to-play add-on “Warzone” for the video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare could’ve dropped next month. By then, I probably would’ve punched a hole through my TV from all the raging I experience in multiplayer. Feel free to ask my college roommates how funny it is when they hear me screaming at the top of my lungs because some random camping in the corner with a shotgun killed me for the umpteenth time. Hint: they think it’s amusing as hell.

UberEats could’ve also closed up shop. But I mean, those guys charge you like fuck. Try ordering less than $10 worth of food, and you get hit with a small order fee. You can’t make this shit up. You’ll literally end up paying double for a classic chicken sandwich combo from Popeyes. Fucking A, man.

As we near rock bottom, the least we can do is soften the landing, and we are all capable of doing so by respecting the severity of this situation through social distancing.

I would like to extend a sincere “fuck you” to those that continue to selfishly indulge themselves and not make an effort to fight this pandemic alongside the rest of us by taking the steps necessary to flatten the curve. You are the scum of the earth, the juice in dumpsters, the lines at the DMV… you are the worst, and you WILL reap what you sow.

For everyone else that has morals, I thank you. Humanity has to stand strong, together. We mustn’t relent, nevertheless submit, to this illness. This too, shall pass. Storms aren’t indefinite, and from the ashes, a most resilient phoenix will rise. Let’s take care of each other, and hopefully one day, this will all be but a hiccup in our storied past.

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Location Coming To You Live From East Bubbafuck, Africa Phone 1-800-IMSADAF Hours Expect a post every week or two, depending on how lazy I am at the time. If I'm drunk, expect a post the same day.
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