Pissy Pamper

You know what I fucking hate? Like, what I really don’t like? A lot of things. My gears grind effortlessly every passing day. It is definitely true what they say: the older you grow, the more that little shit pisses you off. It’s always extraneous situations that get you amped up too. Something as petty as missing the bus, forgetting your wallet at home, or finding out your county requires your child to be vaccinated in order to attend public schools at the outset of the brat’s academic career (that one stung, didn’t it) , can turn the most resilient of folks into an abysmal mess. It’s time to run through a varied list of the peeves that continue to pet…

Corniness: If you’re as corny as my last sentence, please refrain from trying to be my friend. I don’t care about you, or your dated references.

People that don’t shower regularly: Yeah… no. Hit the showers, stinky. I’ll take you to the Dollar Tree and buy you a loofah and Irish Spring if need be, but if you’re too lazy to put soap to wet skin, then you shouldn’t be wondering why you’re still an unemployed virgin. And for those people that actually fuck smelly twats (British pun intended); shame on you.

Roommates: If you didn’t choose your roommate, expect your life to take a turn for the worse, possibly. Maybe I’ll do a post clarifying this to a fuller extent… I’ll see.

Antiquated ideologies: We’re in the 21st Century, so stop with the condescending, stereotypical treatment of POC already! It’s bad enough that our socio-political climate is plagued with memes that make light of the mistreatment of minorities within our rugged communities, but those that excessively push their overtly-racist and/or misogynistic agendas, grounded on “patriotism” and “tradition”, need to kick rocks. Especially you older folks that fit the dastardly shoe; Thanos should’ve snapped you fuckers away if he truly wanted to make the universe a better place.

Running: Anything over 3 miles, and your nipples will start to hurt, bad. I wish I was kidding. How do people enjoy you?

Having too many options: This applies to pretty much everything, really. Too much variety leads to indecision. Indecision leads to stress. Stress leads to anger. Anger leads to resentment. Resentment leads to sadness. Sadness leads to depression. Get your shit together, Netflix! All the fluff programming is overkill!

Spoilers: Speaking of Netflix, not every shiny new show needs to be spoiled the day it drops, for fucks sake. Trust me, we’re all impressed by your ability to binge-watch a critically-acclaimed program in one sitting (loser), AND tweet key plot points for the sake of trolling, shock value, or whatever the fuck you’re aiming for. Seriously. Thank you for being a terrible human being.

Bandwagons: Looking dead at you, Raptors “fans”.

Every Call of Duty game after Black Ops II: Activision, you done fucked up. Everything could’ve been smooth sailing if the base game had enough replay value to justify the spending price of $60, but your greedy ass just had to introduce microtransactions. Charging extra for content for an-already incomplete game and branding it as a “season pass” is criminal enough, but pushing the dated business model that is microtransactions? You done fucked up, mate.

Tequila: *please refer to the last sentence of the segment titled “Running” within this blog post*

Credit: Being forced to open various lines of credit in order to develop oneself financially may seem like no big deal, but fuck, it’s just another way of fueling the the grotesquely capitalist machine that is America. Having ZERO credit card accounts will guarantee a lower credit score, while doing the opposite makes you susceptible to spontaneous/dumb spending, monthly bills that you have to monitor/stay on top of, and ludicrous interest rates set by corporations that would be monopolies if it wasn’t for rigid government regulation. Either way you peg it, it’s a lose-lose. I’ll take that dinner with Jay-Z now.

Cleaning a M240B machine gun after it has expended over 2000 rounds of 7.62 caliber ammunition at the range: Don’t forget the gas regulator, Private. Have fun.

Defeat: Sometimes, you set out to conquer a challenge that takes days, months, even years of training and prep time. The desired ending will have you come out victorious, but for the bitter few moments that you concede (and you will), the shit sucks. Don’t let defeat bum you out, as it builds rapport and character unlike anything else. If you’re 2nd place, that means you’re still fighting. Persevere to be the best, and never look back. Be proud of your progress, and champion through the darkness.

A Long Read: Big paragraphs turn people off. That’s why those screenshotted tweets on Twitter (you know, the ones with essay-like characteristics, including length) never get any traction, unless they’re being satirized by a witty quote-retweet. An example follows.

Left: Long ass fucking tweet that no one read.

Right: ScHoolboy Q speaking for the masses.

See the difference in Retweets and Likes? Point proven. And I will end on that note.

Oh, and one more thing: the song is called Pissy Pamper, not fucking Kid Cudi. Respect the Cash Carti classic as such.

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Location Coming To You Live From East Bubbafuck, Africa Phone 1-800-IMSADAF Hours Expect a post every week or two, depending on how lazy I am at the time. If I'm drunk, expect a post the same day.
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